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It was 4:30 p.m. The time smiling or laughing wouldn’t be allowed for the rest of the day. He had come home frustrated again, something I knew he’d take out on my mom. Minutes later, he began yelling at my mom telling her she was useless and stupid, but there was no response from her; she looked down and stayed quiet because she knew better than to talk back to my dad. I knew what was coming, though. I looked away for one second and all I heard was “boom”- she was on the floor while he just gave her blow after blow.
I remember how my brother, who is three years older than me, held my sister and me tight covering our eyes so we wouldn’t see what was going on. After he beat my mom, he looked at us and started to yell at us for no reason at all. He took off his belt, something he would like to refer to as “chocolate,” and began whipping us with it. We knew begging him to stop would do no good so we “let him” continue his beating while we held in our yells. I was 8, the youngest of three, and was too little to understand why he would do this to us. All I knew was that he did it and it was something I could not ignore even if I tried.
Many women and their children go through domestic violence similar or worse than what my family and I went through. Some are lucky to survive, like us, but some aren’t so lucky.
People who never experienced domestic violence first hand often ask why is it so hard for women to leave their partner when they mistreat them. The answer is simple, but the action -- not so much. Women who go through abuse, whether it be mental, physical or verbal, are afraid that if they do, their boyfriend or husband may hurt them if they find out and sometimes it can be worse than getting beaten by them.
After 13 years of abuse, my mother met a man who helped her get professional help. His friend is a police officer in the Bay Area where we were living at the time and agreed to arrest my father if he tried anything against my mother again. My mother got an attorney who helped her prepare her divorce. The day my mother told my dad she wanted the divorce, he beat her and threatened to kill her and take my brother, sister and me far away. For the first time though, my mother wasn’t afraid because she knew she had people at her side helping her. When my dad moved out, everything felt so peaceful in my house, but I felt so empty inside. After all, he is my father, even if he never acted like such.
This is a problem with many children whose parents separate whether it be because of domestic violence or any other reasons the parents may have for ending their marriage. They feel guilty and sad because one of their parents is missing at home. Some blame themselves, as I did many times, and others blame their mother for not being able to keep their marriage together. The truth is it’s neither the mother nor the children’s fault. It is the person who committed the atrocity who is to blame.
My dad had a restraining order against him in which he was not allowed to come near our home even though he lived two blocks down from our house. He didn’t let that stop him. One day when my siblings and I were at school, my mom was home alone when she heard the front door unlock, but no one had a key except her and my brother. When she looked over the kitchen counter, she saw my dad standing there with a hateful look on his face. My mom tried to run, but my dad caught her and tried to rape her. She was able to set herself free and run to our neighbor’s house where she called 911. The same officer who I spoke about earlier arrested my father and sent him to jail where he spent three days. I was so happy because I knew he wouldn’t hurt us anymore, but at the same time I felt so guilty for feeling happy for the first time in my life.
After seeing a psychologist for four years, my mother, siblings, and I began to feel a sense of relief because we didn’t have to look down all the time or be afraid anymore. But during those four years, every Sunday was like we were still living a nightmare. The court had ruled in my mother’s favor to have full custody of her three children, but my dad was allowed unsupervised visitations on Sundays for four hours. That didn’t last very long though when he made the big mistake of leaving my siblings and me in a mall for an hour and when he came back tried to take only my sister and me. That was the last straw though. The court then ordered supervised visitations, but that also didn’t last very long when he dared to take his own son, then 16, to court, accusing him with attempted murder, which obviously wasn’t true.
It’s unbelievable how far malice can go especially coming from one’s father. But it’s up to us to keep hope alive knowing that one day it will all be over. It might take years, but you keep faith that happiness is just around the corner.
It has been five years that I have not spoken or seen my father. At times I miss having a real dad, but life is better now without him. We never talk about the past because we have learned to let go of it. I never lose hope that one day he will change, but I’m not sure if I could ever forgive him for so much damage. I don’t know how we would have ended up if we had let the abuse continue. I feel like I am a survivor and like to think of this as an obstacle life put in our way of happiness and that I overcame that obstacle with faith.
In life you have two choices: standing up for yourself or doing nothing at all. I am glad my mother took a stand and confronted my father. We are all human and there is just so much we can do alone, but never losing faith and keeping our heads held high, we can reach for a better life and get at least a little taste of happiness.
2 comments
house I own! By the way, they brought home a cat which the girlfriend wanted although my son knew was not allowed. I am now being told how my house is going to run by a cat! IS THERE ANY HELP FOR ME OUT THERE PLEASE? I really would rather not give my son a "legal eviction" notice which would stay on his record, but I know they will never leave and I can't take it anymore!